Monday, January 14, 2008

the soundtrack of my life

Often times, it seems that my life has a soundtrack. Music has a hold of my heart in so many ways, and often plays a part in walking me through good times and bad, giving voice to anguish and rejoicing alike. Because songs are so connected to life experiences for me, it has become common practice to add a date to any mix cd that I burn. It allows me to look back on the time of life during which the songs were particularly important to me. It is a melodic journal, I suppose.

Recently, I came across a cd labeled, "Fall 2005". I was surprised to hear how obvious the theme was: the love of God. Looking back, I recalled that time, a season in which I was awestruck by divine love. It was a unique time for me, since God's love is something that I generally struggle to embrace. In the fall of 2005, however, it was sinking in deep.

I could not have known when I was burning that cd that the coming season would not only bring a chill to the Colorado air, but would also bring a long winter to my heart, burying my soul beneath frozen ground. Spring would not come around on the inside until another full year had come and gone. Even more importantly, I could not have known that, in the midst of that bleak midwinter, I would be offered a sort of poison with the promise of bringing warmth to my heart.

But the Father knew. I look back now, and I am astounded by my response to that offer. "How can you walk away from it?" I was asked. The response was immediate and real: "I know that it would place a wall between me and Jesus. I have learned by now that it would keep me from his love, and I absolutely can't risk that. I cannot risk the loss of friendship with my God." Those words are not my natural M.O. They were the fruit of the season of preparation represented by the songs on my cd. God was preparing me for what was to come. He was impressing upon me the knowledge of his love, knowing that it was the only thing that could carry me through the long winter ahead.

How beautiful. The soundtrack of my life is a story of God's faithfulness to me. It is the melody of a God who is taking care of me long before I even cry out for help. Honestly, there were many months when I looked at that bleak time and felt that he must have abandoned me, left me hanging. I suppose I had to make my way to a place of hindsight before I could see things clearly.

In the silence that follows the raging is now that I can hear him singing. Yes, I can hear that he's been singing all along.


oly said...

Hey, um, I've kinda fallen out of the bloggosphere, but how are you? ReALLY? Your not going to push the repeat button on the song thats scratched are you? Add some new tunes! Sounds like a bike ride might be in order. Bless you

Tiffany Stuart said...

I love this.

It was great to briefly meet you with Carrie this week. Hope to see you again someday.

Enjoy your blog when I wander out and read the thoughts of others.

Have a great 2008. May you find new music with the Lord.