Monday, March 05, 2007

How to Get a Heachache: A Layman's Methodology

1. Go out to retrieve something from the back of your truck (if you own a sedan, read the rest of the instructions and think of a creative subsitute). Flip up the hatch of the topper. Then, gripping the closed tailgate, place your foot on bumper and propel yourself upward so as to be able to reach inside. If you align yourself properly, the edge of the topper will serve to completely halt all upward motion, sending a jolt across the top of the head and down the spine. (Warning: large knots may result from the use of this particular method).

Utter a few choice words, and return to the house with retrieved goods.

2. If, by chance, your landlord has chosen a that day to spackle and prime the walls (this is hypothetical, of course), make sure to tell him NOT to open any windows or turn on any fans for ventilation. For full effect, allow the fumes to build up over several hours and permeate the entire house. Eat lunch, change clothes, check email...however long it takes for the chemicals to soak into your brain and cause it to throb.

But in order not to lose too many brain cells, leave the house...perhaps for a bike ride.

3. When you get on your bike, immediately choose a hill that is far longer than you remembered. Push yourself until you think you might throw up and your heart rate rivals a drumroll. Do not stop. If your stomach ceases its complaint (or empties), your head will take up the call.

Allow the breeze of the downhill to help ease the pounding and continue on.

4. Choose another (equally difficult) hill. While approaching said hill, downshift at just the right incline to throw your chain off the gear. Give your pedals several helpless rotations. This allows time for your bike to decide it should repay you for previous abuse by throwing you into the adjacent ditch. Face first.

Utter a few more choice words and check for blood.

5. Return to fume-ridden house for shower and snack, before moving on to sit through three and a half hours of graduate lecture.

If all of the above fails, just give up caffeine for a few weeks. That'll do it every time.


Carrie said...

This is not funny at all, says the weisenheimer (smart alec).
Sorry for your misfortune, but so glad you could turn it into fodder for smiles. :-)

I hope Pedro the Spiky Bikey does not buck you off today. Perhaps with Rocky the Stump Jumper and me present, he will play nice.

Katie said...

I've loved reading your blog too! You can totally add me as a link on your site; I'll do the same with mine. When I'm home at the end of March, we should talk about serving the poor and being outdoors! What a great connection- and the name is pretty sweet too.

PS I really enjoyed all of your posts about small town life

Anonymous said...

I just picture medical bills.......knock it off!

Olin said...

Aren't moms great? I had a dream the other night that my teeth were falling apart and I had to get them replaced with gold ones. How cool, I thought... but maybe they were your teeth and not mine? p.s. thanx for the prayers--I survived my trip without any blisters or medical bills! Blog update coming soon? STELLAR views absolutely amazing!

Kjersten said...

Oh my goodness, girl!!! what a day you had! Do I dare say it provided a good well as a knot in my own stomach thinking about the immense PAIN! Yikes!!! Hope the throbbing has subsided...

betadance said...

I have been SEARCHING and SEARCHING the internet for foolproof instructions on how to build a headache. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Now if you could only recommend a few good ditches to face plant in to, I'll be on my way!

Great post, you talented girl, you!